Safely Dead: Two

‘You don’t think she noticed, do you?’

‘Noticed what?’

‘The clouds, stupid.’

‘Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t,’ Bert replied. ‘Anyway, I don’t care. Not my problem. Don’t live there anymore.’ He scratched the shiny skin on top of his head. ‘Still, I am beginning to wonder where the sun’s gone. Maybe it’s an eclipse or something…’

Bert got down on his hands and knees and peered through one of the spy holes in heaven’s crust. ‘Looks a bit bleak down there. Still, Norfolk will have nice clear skies now. Shame about the dark.’ He struggled to his feet and stopped breathing. ‘Got it! It’s a side effect. Sun went ‘cos the clouds did.’

‘Ahh…’ I replied, not sure I was getting it at all. ‘You mean like when you take medicines and they make you even sicker?’

‘Exactly,’ said Bert.

‘That’s why you’re here, remember? The side effects of those pills you took for your little problem down below.’

‘What are you on about?’

‘They finished you off. Those Viagra things. Did you forget?’

‘I had rather.’ Bert started breathing again. ‘Oh dear. I feel quite peculiar.’

‘What kind of peculiar?’

‘Hot around the gills.’

‘You do look a bit weird,’ I said. ‘You’ve gone all rosy cheeked like you did before the ambulance came.’

‘I feel weird. Got pins and needles all over – like I’m not quite dead any more.’

The dust stirred underfoot and the trapdoor creaked open – all by itself. With a whoosh like a rather large tornado, a silvery wind coiled itself round Bert’s body and sucked him through the door. Then, it clicked silently shut.