Safely Dead: Two
November 29, 2013 § 13 Comments
‘You don’t think she noticed, do you?’
‘Noticed what?’
‘The clouds, stupid.’
‘Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t,’ Bert replied. ‘Anyway, I don’t care. Not my problem. Don’t live there anymore.’ He scratched the shiny skin on top of his head. ‘Still, I am beginning to wonder where the sun’s gone. Maybe it’s an eclipse or something…’
Bert got down on his hands and knees and peered through one of the spy holes in heaven’s crust. ‘Looks a bit bleak down there. Still, Norfolk will have nice clear skies now. Shame about the dark.’ He struggled to his feet and stopped breathing. ‘Got it! It’s a side effect. Sun went ‘cos the clouds did.’
‘Ahhβ¦’ I replied, not sure I was getting it at all. ‘You mean like when you take medicines and they make you even sicker?’
‘Exactly,’ said Bert.
‘That’s why you’re here, remember? The side effects of those pills you took for your little problem down below.’
‘What are you on about?’
‘They finished you off. Those Viagra things. Did you forget?’
‘I had rather.’ Bert started breathing again. ‘Oh dear. I feel quite peculiar.’
‘What kind of peculiar?’
‘Hot around the gills.’
‘You do look a bit weird,’ I said. ‘You’ve gone all rosy cheeked like you did before the ambulance came.’
‘I feel weird. Got pins and needles all over – like I’m not quite dead any more.’
The dust stirred underfoot and the trapdoor creaked open – all by itself. With a whoosh like a rather large tornado, a silvery wind coiled itself round Bert’s body and sucked him through the door. Then, it clicked silently shut.
Not so safely dead then?? π
You’ll have to wait until tomorrow…:-)
Oh ok then, I look forward to it π
Teehee! To be honest I’m having real trouble with it – I can’t get it right!
I always find endings tricky, I have a tendency to make everyone live sadly ever after or make things too ambiguous! And then I worry about the ending and keep messing with it. I then have a word with myself and say pick and ending and stick with it through thick and thin π
Superb. Beautifully paced narrative entwined within a great story moving ever onward. Can’t wait for the conclusion!
Thanks. It was a bit too short – the end bit is rather longer – but I couldn’t find a better place to stop. Glad you liked it, and I’m always interested in ideas for improvement!! π
I don’t think its for me to pass critical comment when the piece flows so beautifully and the story-line so good. Crikey, this conversation should be the other way around methinks! I’m the one who needs improvement.
I am enjoying the style you have used here; the relationship between your characters appears casual yet masks an underlying sense of hierarchy. as a reader one certainly begins to question who, exactly, is in charge. To re-phrase an old quote ‘In Heaven as it is on Earth’.
The main difficulty I had was making the characters distinct – not sure I managed it. I think using the first person may have helped a bit. Still – work in progress! Thank you.
A great combination of dialogue and action–the writing is tight and fast-paced.
Thank you.
[…] They are delightful little stories with a nifty twist at the end. You can read them here: One, Two and Three. Rachael’s witty writing in these really peaked my interest to see what else she […]